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You can either have a sweaty sexy hoedown in steerage with Leonardo Di Caprio, or you can have a sherry and a terrible boring time in first class with Billy Zane.

Either way, you’ll probably freeze to death in the ocean.

Several patrons of the arts tried to bribe their way up there, even though the platform was sweaty and sagging from overcrowding. After a while, the platform VIPs had drained their drinks, but nobody wanted to give up their space on the platform to travel to the bar.

The moral of the story is that the people who were turned away from the platform got hammered and had an amazing night.

Recently though, I started to think about how hard relationships can be for service members and veterans.

So naturally, I took to Google to see if there was an online service for military dating.

The platform was about three feet high and could fit about thirty people, and we squeezed about fifty on there before we had to start turning people away.

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If your ratings weren’t high enough at the end, you got to live out your life as an ugly or mediocre person. Everyone on Beautiful was totally indifferent to my appearance.

For six months after college, I worked events at an art museum.

One summer evening, the museum unveiled a new outdoor installation, and my job was to guard the entrance to a VIP platform that had been set up in the middle of the street.

While I found no mobile apps, there were three promising websites: After a few weeks of messaging locals and attempting to solicit dates in the Greater New York City area, I didn’t have much luck.

In retrospect, the popularity of mobile apps most likely draws the use of eligible military bachelors, because unlike these sites, the interface is more friendly and the likelihood of meeting someone is much higher.

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